Last week I saw my midwife and then a couple days later, our health visitor. This baby engaged at week 31, and has pretty much stayed ready for action since.
Both women seem pretty certain this little one is coming early, so early my midwife commented on having to keep it in until 37weeks, else I can't have a home birth.
Now that sentence has rattled me a little. That's a week. For the first time in this pregnancy (and possibly ever) I'm feeling what I think is anxiety. I'm drowning in to do lists, futile attempts at organisation. The tasks are all huge and I don't know where to start. My body is feeling stronger than a few weeks ago, but my mind is exhausted, brain turned to mush.
I'll find I've spent an afternoon successfully completing a job that's been niggling to get done for months, but isn't important in the here and now. Last week Liam had a day off, we purged his wardrobe, listing tiny black band shirts on eBay and folding unending ripped jeans into piles. Clearer drawers left us both feeling good to have done it, but for me that good was fleeting and then the nagging panic set in.
Yesterday was my birthday and I was able to be momentarily distracted from it all. I had a perfect day with friends, family, food and some seriously generous gifts. But after a broken sleep and an early awakening, I woke to much the same nervous state this morning.
Tomorrow I hope to fight this lingering anxiety. I'm going to clear the table, and attempt to declutter my brain. The iPhone will be turned off, I'll throw away all those cruel lists, jeering at me for only ticking of one or two items per sheet. With a hot mug of nettle tea, I shall get out my favourite pencil, sharpen it to perfection and breath.
Praying for clarity before I begin jotting it all down. Everything that's taking up space in my mind is going on paper. I need to look at what it is I think needs doing. To organise in importance. Then maybe delegate.
Some of these worries are on the surface, constantly fighting at my attention, slowly turning me to a nervous wreck if left alone to think for too long. Others I've pinned down at the back of my mind, now and then loosening and reminding me of their impending deadline. I need to get it all down to see it clearly.
I feel positive about working this way. We will have to see in time if it actually helps me though!